As I reminisce, tears I never knew I needed to cry flow down my face. Even before starting the drive, my mind has traveled back to my childhood. It is a place of chaos, turmoil, brokenness, rejection, and a yearning to belong and be deeply loved. Although I am looking back with more understanding, it also requires that I look back with more honesty. And it hurts. It’s lonely, uncomfortable, and scary in my childhood memories where no one knows the pain, fear, or insecurity. It is a place in me that needs to grieve what I never had – a life without a mother after the age of seven years to protect, nurture, teach, support, and love; a safe place to take my concerns, questions, ideas, and emotions; a place that would not have birthed in me lingering insecurity and doubts. Someone who would have encouraged my ideas, cheered my successes, and been a guide through life’s changes. That is the way my mind imagines life with a mother anyway.

Merely the thought of returning has turned me inside out this week. And yet my toolbelt of experience and education has given me the knowledge that there is always hope available for healing and growth from pain. Grieve well; live well.

I still feel the loss, but my life is no longer ruled by it. I still wish he were still here, but am aware of abundant blessings in my life.

Yes, I am remarried and happy, but that doesn’t erase or replace Les.

I have experienced devastating loss and grieved greatly. And learned to live again. I am aware of the goodness of God in my life, but today I weep. it is ok to remember and to continue to live.

I hurt for those facing loss, but have hope for hearts to be mended.

We don’t get to choose what we think is good and avoid what grieves our hearts.

Life is an emulsifier of rejoicing and grieving.

Grieve well; live well.